Our children will believe most things to be true, and are open to suggestion, particularly up until the age 7, so what can we do to build positive beliefs in our children and create a happy and harmonious family unit.
CREATING DIFFERENT STATES IN OUR CHILDREN
We have a lot more influence than it may first appear when we think about how to create better states in our kids.
Instead of verbally trying to change an unwanted behaviour in your child. ie Stop nagging, stop fighting, stop being mean etc, you may want to consider these alternatives;
FOCUS ON THE POSITIVES
Remember, what you put your attention on, expands. So what would you like to expand in your child? Their kindness, their joy, their complaining or their inability to share. If we can focus only on their positives and give less attention to their bad behaviour, then we will see more of the good stuff. Don’t assume that your child knows what they are doing right in life as typically we tend to tell people what they are doing wrong, not what they are doing right. Set yourself a period of time, say 2 weeks and during this time, focus only on their positive behaviour and acknowledge with them. Ignore as best you can any behaviour that you don’t want to expand. Act like a scientist and after this period is up, notice the reality that you have started to experience.
People who feel good about themselves tend to have higher levels of self esteem, and there is a link between a person’s self esteem and their behaviour.
If you do need to acknowledge bad behavior, it can be helpful to look at your child in 2 parts, that of their Identity and their Behaviour. Their Identity is who they think they are, this is their core being, they will begin to build strong beliefs about themselves. Their behavior is on the other hand, transient, just an action, which changes moment to moment, depending on their thoughts and feelings.
So intend to direct any negative comments at the ‘behavioural level’ of your child and any positive comments at the ‘Identity level” For example,
Identity: You are so smart, You are very creative, You are so funny, so caring etc…. Remember that they spend a lot of time in alpha and theta brainwave cycles, open to believing your comments. These are great beliefs for them to have about their identity.
Behaviour: What you just did then wasn’t very thoughtful”, Do you realize how hurtful that can be, when you speak like that to your sister?” This way you are not attacking their identity, that remains intact, you are aiming your comments only at a behaviour, which isn’t them and they can easily let go of this. Once they start to identify themselves with this behaviour, it will become a belief and will be a lot harder to shift.
GO THERE FIRST
Now, lets say that you would like to observe a different state in your child, perhaps you would like them to be more patient, better listeners, or calmer. Take a moment to think of a quality that you feel they are lacking? Now I would like to suggest to you, that life is often like a mirror, if we observe something that we dislike in others, often it is something that we also have and don’t like within ourselves. So be honest… If you observe impatience in your child, is it also within you? You believe your child never listens? Could this be also true of you?
The most impactful change that you can make, is that of changing your own state first. GO THERE FIRST. Whenever you want to induce a different state within your children, adopt this state first. Then they will follow, you will draw them in. If it’s patience you would like to see in them, create the state of patience within yourself. Visualize yourself acting in a more patient way, what would your body language look like, how would you breathe, what might you say, what might others say around you, build this image in your mind and put it into practice. Be the change that you would like to see in them. Perhaps there is somebody you know who has this quality. Why not model them, act as they do, take on this strategy. Ask them how they do it? Once you start living, breathing and practicing this new state, you will charge your energy/vibration. Like attracts like, this is the law of attraction, and you will affect the people around you. So, if you want your kids to feel magnificent, go there first. How magnificent do you feel? What are you doing in your day, week to make yourself feel magnificent? If not much, do more. This is not a luxury, you owe it to your kids.
TELL YOUR KIDS WHAT YOU WANT THEM TO DO AND NOT WHAT YOU DON’T WANT.
Be aware how often you are using negative commands…. such as Stop fighting, Stop moaning, Don’t spill your drink, Stop jumping on the bed. We are always telling our children what we don’t want them to do. Our subconscious mind works in a strange way and does not recognize the negative ‘Don’t’ part of the comment, but can only visualize the ‘fighting’, ‘spilling drink’, ‘jumping on bed’ part. If I told you – Not to think of a blue elephant, You would have to visualise the blue elephant part, to make sense of the command, this is where your attention goes. So they will visualize a drink being spilled and quite often this is what they will then experience. So from now on, tell them exactly what you would like them to do instead by using positive language. Sit quietly, Be careful with your drink, Be kind, Remember to share.
AVOIDING CONFLICT TO CREATE HARMONY
We can achieve this by using clever language patterns. A double bind is the term given when somebody believes they have a choice, though this is only an illusion. Great to use with kids, giving them the illusion that they have a choice. For example, “Shall we go swimming before or after you have tidied your room”? “Would you like to take your bath now or after your favourite program? The child believes they have a choice, and will choose one of the options though there is a presupposition in this statement that the room will be tidied, and that the bath will be taken, this is not up for discussion. ‘Would you like peas or beans with your chicken?” Presupposition is that they will eat vegetables, they believe they have a choice, and typically will choose one. If you ask them if they would like vegetables with their chicken, or if you just serve them vegetables, they believe they have had no choice and are more likely to deny the action.
You can also start to embed commands with presuppositions
‘Have you noticed NOW what good friends you have become?” can be used when your children have been getting on well without fighting. There is a presupposition here that your children are now friends, this part of the comment will slip easily into their subconscious, the only question you are asking is whether they have noticed.